In a meeting with President Trump, El Salvador’s President Bukele said he wouldn’t return an El Salvadoran allegedly deported, by accident, back to his home country. Best I can tell, the man was a gang member at risk of being murdered by another gang? But it depends who you ask. According to the left, he’s a beloved father and upstanding man of peace. According to the right, he came here illegally and is a member of MS-13. But none of that really matters. A US judge ruled he can stay here, which nobody seems to deny. If we want to remain a country of law, this decision must be battled in court. Not with the gesture of the president’s pen. Unless of course that president is pardoning his crack-addict son for crimes he has not yet been convicted over a period of precisely eleven years (constitutionally, I mean, it turns out this is fine).

OpenAI introduced new and improved models on Monday, and the livestreamed presentation was… awkward as usual. There was a confusing cluster of names (GPT-4.1, GPT-4.1 mini, GPT-4.1 nano) followed by illegible graphs. A presenter said “speaking of large corpuses…” in what appeared to be a non-ironic transition to speaking about large corpuses. Another called something “neat.” There was a painful silence while a model demonstrated something time-intensive. Plus a lot — a LOT — of nodding. I’d congratulate them on the hiatus from puns (a routine feature of OpenAI livestreams), but I think I missed them a little? Anyway, my advice: don’t change. Don’t be like competitors, with their perfectly choreographed hand movements and seamless-but-dishonest demos. Sure, I could roast the model names, which sound like Elon’s kids crossed with a router manual, but Sam Altman’s already doing that on X. I have, for once, no notes.

Grab the lotion and start your engines, boys. The world’s first “sperm race” is taking place in Los Angeles later this month, and while that might sound like a joke, the creators behind the cumpetition are rigidly serious. Launched by Eric Zhu, with $1 million in venture funding and an ex-Mr. Beast team member on board to maximize entertainment, Sperm Racing is exactly what it sounds like — a race between competitors’ sperm on a “track” that mimics the reproductive system, all while microscopic cameras capture every moment of the action. The best part? The goal is to raise awareness about declining sperm counts. “It’s about making male fertility something people actually want to talk about, track, and improve,” said Zhu. Godspeed, you weird, beautiful Stefano Dominecali of spunk. If the collapse of human civilization doesn’t get us to care about this issue, here’s to hoping your Fallopian Tube 500 will.

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