Wednesday, Trump announced massive new “reciprocal” tariffs on… ok, pretty much everyone. With the stated intention of balancing the nation’s trade deficit and reshoring manufacturing, the policy constitutes a legitimately new direction for the country. And one thing about people? Terrified of change. This has catalyzed a fog of war: Trump’s allies agree tariffs are brilliant, but can’t agree why, while critics argue Americans will soon be “eating beans under the highway,” but can’t make that case sound not insane. Somehow, everyone is confident. Yet the more I read the less I seem to understand. Or… care? Sorry, I know you want a heater, but this feels like something we’ll see clearer in a few months. Then, no matter what, Trump will declare victory, his critics will declare calamity, and nobody will remember this hysteria. Now take a chill pill while you can still afford them. I’m pretty sure they’re made in China.

Wednesday, Amazon will launch the first of 3,200 satellites for Project Kuiper, its challenge to Musk’s Starlink, the burgeoning space-internet empire beaming Wi-Fi down from low-Earth-orbit. Amazon plans to spend around $20 billion on the project, launching dozens of rockets to deploy hundreds of satellites by year’s end. The Wi-Fi satellite war is heating up, my friends, meaning we’ll soon live in a world where low-cost internet is everywhere, not gatekept by standoffish baristas or confined to 5G-data paywalls. No more government-led $42 billion rural broadband programs that connect literally zero households to the web. Internet access is about to become extremely commoditized, universally available, and faster than ever. The best part? Unanimously hated, notoriously bloated ISPs like Xfinity and Spectrum will probably die slow, agonizing deaths. They’ll finally face the consequences of their incompetence — and all it took was a billionaire pissing contest in space.

Trump gave ByteDance until tomorrow to sell TikTok or face (yet another) ban. Let’s meet the prospective buyers, shall we? Amazon, Oracle, Blackstone, and (my favorite?) Tim Stokely, who founded OnlyFans (he’s since cut ties). He teamed up with a crypto company, and I shit you not, their pitch is the most wholesome to date. In a statement to Wired, the team said they want to “empower” TikTokers to earn even more money for their Zara fitchecks and sexually suggestive dances. I can see it now: swipe to tip becomes the new like. Carnivore-diet influencers get equity in those companies that make animal liver pills. WFH baddies offer “premium content," but instead of baking bread ASMR style — they’re baking bread ASMR style naked. What’s that smell? Is it rosemary? No. It’s “empowerment.” And a better vision, idk probably, than whatever the hell Blackstone would do with this teenage thotscape.

 “I need an absolute dawg on this.”

There are certain moments where you, the visionary, realize: you do, in fact, need an absolute dawg on this.

You need a team that moves fast. That lives in Slack, 24/7/365. That uncovers tax credits your last firm missed. That stretches your runway and handles the hard stuff without a nudge.

Haven’s accountants come from PwC and KPMG — but they work like founders.

No waiting. No fluff. Just execution.

That’s a dawg.

That’s Haven.

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