The U.S. recorded its first human bird flu death this week, as a patient from Louisiana sadly passed away. The disease, which is thus far only known to be transmitted to humans by animals, was contracted following exposure to afflicted wild birds in this case. A bit alarming, I’ll admit, but don’t dust off that N95 just yet. Patient zero was reportedly over the age of 65, with underlying medical conditions (see: the kind of guy our hospitals would have classified as young and healthy back in 2020), and I would hope — hope — that after our collective experience from COVID, we’ve learned 1) there’s a terrible cost in shutting down our world, and 2) if a geriatric wants to go outside and commune with a bunch of sick chickens or whatever exactly was happening down in those swamps, an ordinance is not going to stop him. Anyway, godspeed, Louisiana. Keep it weird.

Canada’s first black Prime Minister is stepping down, and while it was hard to see him in those famous black face photos, it’s even harder to see what’s next for Canada. Justin Trudeau’s resignation means political blueballs for your cousins up north — the decision has shut down Parliament, with no clear leader for the early months of Trump’s 2nd term. “We don’t know who speaks for Canada today,” said the president of the Business Council of Canada. “It’s going to be a zoo,” claimed an ambassador, with reports that Canada might not know its next PM until October. Contenders for the throne are suddenly debuting patriotic rallying calls in response to Trump’s annexation threat, but are Canadians buying it? Joan-of-Arc LARPs might have worked during the reign of Justin The Black, but the theatre kid king is dead. Long live whatever comes next — surely it can’t get any worse.

Backed by “America’s largest mall operators,” JCPenney is merging with the owner of (m)all-time greats Forever 21, Aeropostale, and others to form a $9 billion retail conglomerate called Catalyst Brands. The internet killed mall culture (that sweet waft of Auntie Anne’s, Spencer’s weirdly sexual gag gifts, pseudoreligious experiences at East Meets West), and while there’s a cynical read here — malls are artificially propping up failing tenants to stay afloat — I choose to believe Catalyst is cooking up a new golden age. Post-COVID youths yearn for the malls, to cause minor public disturbances, to huddle up like penguins and rip their vapes. They want to subsist entirely on food-court Panda Express, and I want that for them. As a former Hot Topic enjoyer and mall-loitering emo, I will spend my dollars and my words in service of this nostalgic vision. Do you smell it yet? No, not the over-chlorinated coin fountains. Hope.

Polymarket says there’s a 10% chance we’ll get congressional term limits in 2025, and while we think it’d be great if these octogenarians spent their golden years with family instead of *checks notes* the most powerful legislative body in the country, that doesn’t come without its costs. The Pelosi Tracker, a fund that simply mirrors Nancy Pelosi’s trades, returned 54% in 2024. No guesswork, no magic. Just results. This old bird is pulling God-like returns, and you want to break into the Capitol and ruin a good thing by hitting it over the head with a hammer (sorry Paul)? For what? To “clean up Congress” and “stop our country from being run by corrupt nursing home patients”? Not gonna happen! Follow the Tracker instead, watch Nancy cook until she’s 104, and swing by Polymarket when you have some downtime. 

As a reminder, trading on Polymarket is prohibited in the US but you can see the odds for free on Polymarket.com.

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wired recently sought to frame the ongoing uk gang rape atrocity as far-right misinformation, claiming elon was posting “falsehoods” about the saga. ashley points out how wired is the real misinformation peddler here in this masterclass on reading the media for bias

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bombshell piece from ashley on how top leadership roles at wikimedia have been filled by figures with deep ties to george soros’ open society foundation… and how they’re now using the organization as an instrument to drive radical change around the world

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