A week into one of the most psychotic online conversations in years, the unhinged “yay murder” ramblings of sociopathic media creatures and literal Marxists finally reached Washington, where famed Native American Girl Boss Elizabeth Warren, the Senator from Massachusetts, bravely took up the cause of nuance on the topic of literal assassination. “Violence is never the answer,” she said of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson’s brutal murder, “but people can be pushed only so far.” …but. BUT! It was a surreal piece of justification for assassination from a politician: one should never kill people, however. And it did make me wonder, what do they really — in their heart of hearts — want? It’s impossible to know for sure, but for now I’ll take a page from Oprah, who took a page from Maya Angelou. When someone tells you the thought of your grisly murder brings them joy, believe them.

The FBI released a statement following dozens of mysterious SUV-sized drone sightings in New York City and surrounding areas, saying they “truly don’t have much information to provide at the moment.” These UAPs have been spotted near a New Jersey military base and Donald Trump’s Bedminster golf course, leading one state senator to call for a “limited state of emergency,” and Governor Murphy to take the suspicious and “apparently very sophisticated” aircraft “deadly seriously.” I guess I’m glad the feds are on it, but I tend to agree with Josh Hawley, who said they’re either hiding something, or they’re “even more incompetent than we thought.” COVID’s over, and Orange Man won. It’s no longer “racist” to call out our adversaries for their shenanigans. Our suspects are either aliens or the Chinese, and only one of those has been caught flying drones over our military bases multiple times over the last year.

The NYT revealed ~50% of American schoolchildren are under surveillance: software on school-issued devices monitors keystrokes to detect self-harm situations. Some staff claim these prevent suicides, while others share privacy concerns (one family received a midnight police visit because their kid typed “die” while rhyming with “pie”). I used to wonder how “education administrator” growth of 87.6% from 2000-2019 was even possible, but stuff like this explains it. No one knows how effective these tools are (data is private), they produce busywork (one director said sifting through false alarms uses ~25% of his hours), they’re costly (one school pays $46K/year), but that’s all immaterial because they’re tenuously connected to solving complex, emotionally terrifying problems. But solutions to terrifying emotional problems come through families, not administrators. That’s what kids deserve, and, more importantly, my kid specifically deserves the freedom to search up the meaning of slurs in private — just like me and my forefathers.

Polymarket currently gives an 11% chance that there will be a new pandemic before July 2025, and while we don’t believe in entertaining blackpills ever here at Pirate Wires, it is important to be prepared for life’s curveballs. Have any in-person events or activities you’ve been meaning to check out? A daytrip you’ve always wanted to take? Don’t put it off till next month — you never know what new insane social distancing decrees your elected officials will mandate next from the comfort of their private 5-star dinners. Come to think of it, this is just a good mindset to have in general. Go on that vacation, brother. Talk to that girl. Write that novel. If you keep putting off, there may come a time when it’s too late. Keep opening these emails for more life advice (and check out Polymarket for more odds on today’s top stories). 

As a reminder, trading on Polymarket is prohibited in the US but you can see the odds for free on Polymarket.com.

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on the heels of solana’s moon statehood thesis, ryan mcentush lays out the case for a permanent lunar settlement, and why failing to seize this opportunity could mean losing moon forever. read on, future resident of moon

damning story about how a major world war 2 outpost and beloved attraction for hikers is currently under threat of being dismantled thanks to garbage local politics

nyc is currently paying the pakistani government $220 million to operate a migrant processing center out of the iconic roosevelt hotel — which has now become a hotbed for tren de aragua gang activity. kevin has the full details about the “new ellis island” below

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