In an op-ed for the WSJ, Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy outlined the first hint of a blueprint for their hotly anticipated DOGE assault on the bureaucratic state (“cutting costs,” we are calling this). Largely, they talked about nuking red tape, and reducing the federal workforce, citing legal precedent on which they’ll be relying to do their (sacred) work. They also casually mentioned they’ll force federal workers to come into the office again, which… that’s not happening yet? In analysis, the NYT noted the approach was similar to Elon’s handling of Twitter, which our readers will recall concluded in the platform not collapsing as critics loudly and constantly promised. But government workers? The Times mostly focused on how hard it would be getting rid of them, and didn’t even bother pretending the country would suffer if they left. Sad, even their most ardent defenders know the truth: they don’t actually do much.

Canada is bracing for a large influx of illegal border crossings, expecting Trump’s immigration crackdown to cause a surge in U.S.-to-Canada migration by aliens looking to avoid deportation. Authorities in Canada are working to beef up their presence at their border, just as Trudeau is completing a 180° pivot from his 2017-era #WelcomeToCanada tweets. Notably, Canada is in no shape to survive an influx of migrants: the entire country’s population is just 4x larger than America’s illegal population, and Trudeau's budget is barely 5x larger than Eric Adams’. If even 500,000 migrants walk into Canada, the country would be thrown into a fiscal crisis and an acute housing crunch. Which gives me an idea: remember Trump’s plan to get Mexico to pay for The Wall? Let's put them down for 50%, and see if Canada has any interest in picking up the rest of the tab.

“Creativity is very much back on track for Disney,” according to the company’s CFO on last week’s shareholder call, which showed better-than-expected earnings and an upbeat outlook. The “creativity” in question? Sequels! Disney saw success with “Inside Out 2” and “Deadpool & Wolverine,” and is expecting that to continue this holiday season with “Moana 2” and “Mufasa: The Lion King.” While I’m happy for them, this does not fall under the “creativity” category. If Hollywood had any guts left, they’d just make great movies, instead of mass-producing remakes to exploit some Pavlovian mechanism that makes adults feel like kids again. Thirty years ago today, an American could find Forrest Gump, Lion King, Pulp Fiction, and Shawshank in theaters — at the same time. Now, everything’s a “copy of a copy of a copy,” to borrow a line from Fight Club. And if they try to remake that film, I’ll become the Joker: Folie à Deux.

Following Trump’s electoral victory, left-leaning users have abandoned X en masse for Bluesky, some even doing so via printed-out notes in their own custom letterhead (still not letting you live that one down, Don Lemon). The platform’s user base has reportedly exploded, and Polymarket currently shows a 14% chance that they hit 30 million users by the end of November. But this sudden migration raises a deeper, more critical question: just how many furries are there? A 2011 Furscience study (yes, this is a real organization) pegged the global population at 1.4 to 2.8 million. Since then, the furry fandom has only grown, fueled by memes, niche conventions, and the absence of human touch. If Bluesky’s numbers do surge, the user data might finally answer what truly matters: just how many tails, ears, and full fur suits are shaping the digital frontier? As for Pirate Wires, in this house, we trust the Furscience (and the Polymarket odds, too).

As a reminder, trading on Polymarket is prohibited in the US but you can see the odds for free on Polymarket.com.

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