Senator Warren, America’s least favorite Karen, wrote a strongly-worded letter to Trump this week demanding special conflict-of-interest rules governing Elon Musk. “Putting Mr. Musk in a position to influence billions of dollars of government contracts and regulatory enforcement without a stringent conflict of interest agreement,” she wrote, “is an invitation for corruption on a scale not seen in our lifetimes.” Which is funny coming from a woman who just presided over $200 billion in Covid-related theft, a crime for which nobody in government is yet in jail. But now she’s worried about fraud? Okay, Liz, I’ll take it under consideration. But what I mostly care about right now is getting shit done, and while you’ve spent thirty years in politics producing nothing (other than, here and there, a justification for assassinating CEOs), the “evil” billionaire you love to hate is landing rockets. Babe, I’m listening. But that’s a tough sell.

Kamala is considering a run for California governor, CNN reported Sunday, and “several major candidates made clear... they [will] likely step aside” if she enters the race. Okay, nice. But on the other hand, what if America’s most economically powerful state didn’t hire its most famous political reject? A Harris governorship only guarantees a few things: high speed rail remains a self-dealing money pit, corruption and fraud coincident with CA's NGO-industrial complex gets worse, and the expropriation of taxpayer money for vote-buying initiatives that further ratchet the state into ruinous identity politics and government incompetence continues unabated. Oddly, our last best hope may be a second Harris run for president, since she can’t do that and also run for governor. And she’ll definitely lose the White House. Which is why — awkward — I'm turning on the VCs for Kamala bat signal. Girls (and girly guys) we need you now more than ever. KAMALA 2028!

Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas recently announced the Department of Homeland Security is launching an AI chatbot called DHSChat, designed to allow workers at the department’s headquarters access to agency information using generative AI. And while, yes, it’s nice to see America’s glacial bureaucracy embracing technological innovation for the first time since Apollo, is our DHS Secretary doing his best impression of a desperate startup founder, pitching VCs about the “generative AI” at his company and trying to ride that hype cycle 5 years too late, really in our country’s best interest? “We utilize machine learning to optimize performance,” cool, how’s that actually going though? Because last I checked the border was still an amusement park turnstile. And at the moment? You don’t even know what’s going on in Jersey airspace. Fellas, I’m genuinely loving the bravado, but let’s figure out the basics before we roll out Bureaucrat.io.

Could the mystery drones flying over New Jersey really be… aliens??? Not so fast, says betting site Polymarket, which currently places the odds of the drones being extraterrestrial at a minuscule 1%. For context, that’s even lower than the 4% listed odds of Joe Biden resigning before Trump’s inauguration, and we know that one will never happen — dude has way too many business partners/family members left to pardon for totally not suspicious reasons. All that is to say it seems unlikely we’re in the midst of an alien invasion, folks. Then again, that’s exactly what an alien who abducted the Pirate Wires Daily ad writer and is now trying to throw people off the trail in order to complete a global takeover would say… haha. ☊⊑⟒☊☍ ⍜⎍⏁ ⌿⍜⌰⊬⋔⏃⍀☍⟒⏁, I mean uhh, check out Polymarket for more odds on today’s top stories.

As a reminder, trading on Polymarket is prohibited in the US but you can see the odds for free on Polymarket.com.

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fyi our swag store’s up and running, and many are calling this the best pirate-related merch since the eye patch. “absolute fire, straight drippy,” the kids are saying. shirts and hoodies now available in the brand new pirate wires merch store — get em while supplies last

new banger from solana on the moral inversion that is celebrating the murder of your tribal enemies, and how it could spell the dawn of a violent, chaotic era

this week, the crew is live in la with molly o’shea breaking down the arrest of luigi mangione and the reaction from the likes of elizabeth warren and aoc. plus: daniel penny acquitted, mystery drones over new jersey, our final pirate idol semifinal round, and… make canada a state??

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