Deputy Campaign Manager Rob Flaherty is addressing his girl Kamala’s (staggering, historic) loss to Trump, and if you were hoping for some introspection I’ve got bad news. The campaign’s big mistake? Elon Musk bought Twitter: “Having that node be fundamentally controlled by, effectively, an arm of the Trump campaign was not good,” Flaherty said. And this is true. But “it was obvious center-left and left content was being throttled,” he concluded. Which… okay, where do I start? Elon buying Twitter meant you couldn’t do censorship, but have we all forgotten “brat summer,” which we were force-fed like a bunch of incredibly unfortunate French ducks? People wanted to like Kamala. They did not want free sex change operations for prisoners, price controls, or an open border. Democrats refused to address these issues, and they lost. Fair and square. Elon didn’t force you to be crazy. Learn from this, or stay “throttled.”

The Department of Homeland Security and FBI are deploying “detection technology” to gather intel on the origins and potential threats of the mystery aircraft hovering over the Northeast, despite saying there is no evidence they “pose a national security or public safety threat, or have a foreign nexus,” or even exist (???). Yesterday, Trump said the government “knows what is happening” and wants to “keep people in suspense,” while Palantir CTO Shyam Sankar called the handling of the situation “terrifying,” chalking the confusion between government agencies up to “seams between teams.” Are these CCP spy drones? Is our military testing new tech in plain sight? Do people in New Jersey just not know what airplanes look like? I don’t know, and I guess it doesn’t matter at this point. The only thing scarier than our enemies buzzing around our backyard (or not???) is catching our emperors — completely dumbfounded by it all — without clothes.

Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson made her Broadway debut last weekend, taking a break from being a final legal arbiter in the most powerful country in the world to star in & Juliet, a queer spin off of Shakespeare’s tragedy that imagines what would happen if the female lead survived. Jackson, who famously could not define what a female was during her confirmation process, has long been open about her “unabashed love of theater,” and frankly it showed in her lovely performance — which is why we should make it easier for Ketanji to live out her dreams. America, it’s time to 10x actors’ pay across the country, so Ketanji and her countless peers in Washington who would clearly rather be on a stage can pursue their passions, ending the theater-kid occupation of our government. Keep starring in those girlboss musicals, kween (and leave the decision-making to someone else).

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