Tuesday, in a coordinated Israeli attack, beepers carried by Hezbollah terrorists detonated throughout Lebanon — as in, literally exploded. “Shalom,” your ass and balls belong to Allah now. Naturally, the anti-Israel people framed this as an act of terrorism. Uno Reverse. This was an unimaginable war crime, the yay-Hamas contingent said of the attack on people literally launching rockets at civilians. Anyway, they were really pissed the next day, when, during a funeral for one of the dead beeper boys, walkie talkies carried by Hezbollah terrorists… also detonated throughout Lebanon. Now, at least a dozen terrorists are dead, thousands have been injured, and Americans are mostly wondering about their iPhones. But to that I say fear not, we would never be so stupid as to allow a device like that to be constructed abroad, by a hostile foreign country. Scroll on, friends, I’m sure we’ll be okay.

AOC and Senator Tina Smith laid out their “solution to the housing crisis” yesterday, and if you thought a plan laid out by two Marxist lawmakers would be Marxist? Well, you’d be right. The proposal calls for a new federal agency (lmao) and $30 billion to build 1.25 million housing units (also: rent caps, and more union shit). While they didn’t have much to say about the crippling regulations that brought us here, credit given for at least not falling into the popular lefty trap of subsidizing demand and wondering why kids can’t buy houses anymore. But, speaking of supply and demand, we did just let some 5 million unauthorized immigrants into the country. So better quadruple that funding package to $120 billion, and build 5 million units. That way, in a decade we’ll be back to the housing prices we might have had if our leaders believed in ports of entry.

Sony just deleted all traces of their latest video game “Concord” from the internet, a massive bomb that earned ~$1M on a $200M budget after 8 years in development. Elsewhere, competitor Ubisoft faces an investor coup on account of it also lost $200M on a game, triggering a 40% share price decline. Now, big content creators are leading hordes of disillusioned audiences against these companies, blaming DEI policies for their downfall. At first, I thought this was a meme. But then I watched the trailers for “Concord” and “Assassins Creed: Shadows,” and holy shit lol. As I basked in visions of pure lezzbot warlord horror, of battle bots with gender identities so new and strange only a millennial Reddit mod could possibly have imagined them, and as I read the YouTube comments of 30,000 Japanese people canceling Ubisoft after making their samurai assassin black, I concluded: this time, the customer was probably right.

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