Yesterday, it finally happened: Kamala proposed a policy. Or, sort of. Her advisors leaked the fact that she would soon propose a policy, and long story short it’s communism. Have you noticed basically everything is 20 to 30% more expensive than it was a few years ago? Well, you’re in luck. Lil’ Coconut is about to simply make price increases illegal. What’s that you say? Prices aren’t increasing, the value of our dollar is crashing on account of Biden printed trillions of dollars and lit it all on fire like the Joker? Yeah, no shit. Grocery stores aren’t about to carry goods at a loss, either, as we’ve seen in every command economy in human history. But in this vibes-based, post substance world we live in none of that matters. Mamala makes us “happy.” Now go buy yourself some hard liquor while you still can, pour yourself a drink, and enjoy your weekend.

This week, ex-Google CEO Eric Schmidt apologized for suggesting the company is lagging behind in the AI arms race because it “decided working from home is more important than winning” during a talk at Stanford. “I misspoke about Google and their work hours,” he told the WSJ (in an emailed statement that reads as if it were dictated at gunpoint). Given industry leaders have been criticizing the productivity drag of remote work for years, what explains the sudden-about face? Most likely, it had to do with the hysterical response to Schmidt’s comments from the “Alphabet Workers Union.” Which, ironically, tells you everything you need to know about why the company is actually dying — less because of Slack than its own in-house cohort of deranged, spoiled activists. Sorry, Google. As far as I know, you still can’t cry your way to AGI.

Taylor Lorenz took to Threads this week to warn her fellow left-wing journalists about a serious development on the platform: these days, even Meta is boosting right-wing content (*gasp* say it isn’t so!). “Anyone who challenges power is intentionally suppressed by Meta,” our masked queen stated matter-of-factly. “[R]ight wing trad wife content and lifestyle grifters thrive in Meta’s ecosystem.” That’s right, fellow power-challengers — you thought you were safe on Threads? Newsflash: Taylor saw a woman milking a cow on her timeline last week, which is basically Nazi shit. Anyway, this might sound crazy, but maybe the real speech suppression at Threads isn’t anything that Zuck is doing, but possibly… the fact that the platform is just an ideological echo chamber? As the saying goes, if a woman complains about free speech but only left-wing journalists are around to hear it, does it even make a sound?

Polymarket — your home for checking out odds on topics like “Trump fires campaign manager in August” and “Will Trump say Tampon at Thursday’s Press Conference?” — currently places the chances of a confirmed monkeypox case in the US at 35%. This would be terrifying, except our government has proven it will take any authoritarian measure necessary at this point to “protect public health.” So in that spirit, and with the outbreak confined to Africa and Sweden for now, Pirate Wires has a proposal for keeping it out. Secure the 1,954-mile southern border with a 30-foot reinforced “health structure” stretching from Tijuana to Boca Chica. If it seems crazy to you that America should take such a cautious approach, we would encourage you to please not question the science, and remind everyone that in times like these, we must band together, flatten the curve, and build that wall.

As a reminder, trading on Polymarket is prohibited in the US but you can see the odds for free on Polymarket.com.

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