It’s been over three years since Biden set aside $42.5 billion to bless impoverished, rural Americans with high-speed access to internet porn, and not a single home has been connected. The reason? Surprise! Crippling bureaucracy and unhinged political hurdles: climate change mandates, union priorities, a requirement that eligible companies employ “justice-impacted” people with criminal records, and a series of impossible-to-navigate, probably illegal DEI expectations. The government also refuses to work with Starlink, which could have connected over 100 million homes by now, on account of it is run by Elon Musk (a Bad Man who doesn’t ban Bad Speech). Maddening, but this was all predictable. Any good intention that sells itself with a list of social platitudes rather than a plan of action is a vote-buying scheme, not an infrastructure project. And until we learn this lesson, the clown car outcomes will continue.

The Department of Agriculture has suspended inspections of avocados and mangoes imported from Mexico until further notice, citing "security concerns." Local news outlets were more specific: apparently, two USDA officials were kidnapped by Mexican gangs. But we can't pin all the blame on narcos. After all, we're the ones who empowered them by failing to secure our southern border, which — via drugs and human trafficking — is where the gangs get all their money. Fortunately, all of that’s about to change, because the white female vote has never been more open to Republican-style law and order. What’s that you say? A spate of illegals murdering young women hasn’t moved the dial? It is what it is. But the price of avocados is about to climb higher than ever before, which means you just threatened brunch. Good luck.

A collective of Berkeley grad students spent their weekend firebombing cop cars and construction sites around town to “punish the university of kkkalifornia system” for the crimes of 1) not ‘divesting’ from Israel and 2) displacing the “houseless community of Berkeley” from its indigenous land (the needle and feces-strewn lot sometimes called People’s Park). And you have to ask: aside from the clear mental illness and probable daddy issues, why are these people so set on defacing the institution that employs them? Well, hear me out: put the revolutionary rhetoric aside, and don’t they start to look a lot like… run-of-the-mill scorned theater kids? When was the last time you heard about a slam poetry reading? Or saw news about a queer Shakespeare adaptation? We may have collectively chosen to forget about these people, but they didn’t disappear. I think they’re just bringing ‘performance’ to the public space.

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