Well, gentlemen, the bad news is you’ve probably got plastic in your testicles, or at least according to a new (very small) study in which every participant tested positive for the particle in, again, his actual balls. As healthy male testosterone levels have plummeted for decades, which is itself perhaps responsible for the dramatic population decline across the western world, folks online were quick to draw a link between the two. But the good news moderately less bad news is we don’t know that’s true, as we still don’t know almost anything about microplastics. That means this isn’t as simple as switching to metal and getting back to Genghis Khan degrees of baby making (though fwiw I don’t even look at plastic water bottles anymore). We need to fund research — of a kind Nat Friedman is fortunately now spearheading — or we need to get used to the idea of vanishing.

Donald Trump has come out strongly in favor of crypto, following last week’s Mar-a-Lago event promoting his mugshot NFTs, and yesterday’s announcement that his campaign is accepting crypto donations. Looking back, it was an obvious, easy win for DJT: crypto’s anti-establishment ethos is on-brand, and the staff of Biden’s SEC has made fools of themselves with their attempts to illegally sideline crypto over the last 4 years. Funny, too, how it worked out: even though crypto superPACs have raised over $100 million to influence November’s elections, a bunch of NFT traders getting facetime with Donald did more for the sector than an army of lobbyists ever could. As Sun Tzu said, “never interrupt your enemy when he is furiously passing anti-crypto legislation; then, literally sell jpegs of your own mugshot before announcing that you have a Day 1 plan that’ll boost your popularity with roughly half of the U.S. electorate.”

In response to vibes-based allegations social media platforms are creating body image issues (which have existed among teens for my entire life), TikTok is cracking down on weight loss and dieting posts — because everyone knows not eating enough is the real problem facing middle America. The platform’s regulations range from taking product promos for drugs like Ozempic off the “For You” page, to deamplifying videos on such unimaginably dangerous topics as… intermittent fasting. Honestly, you have to respect the CCP for this straight-up 4D chess move. Using our own temporary insanity on the topic of health and fitness (problematic now, apparently) to ensure no fat, seed-oil-guzzling American will ever get weight loss info on their app again? Brilliant. But it does call for a response. Hey Wendy’s: I know a market of 1.4 billion people that might benefit from a little more exposure to your Baconator combo. Let the fatty wars begin.

Every day, data brokers sell your sensitive info—phone number, DOB, SSN—to the highest bidder. Scammers can then open lines of credit in your name, sign you up for eight streaming services, or, worst of all, register a fake charity in your name like a divorced billionaire’s spouse, and turn half your fortune into DEI efforts. Enter Incogni. This service scrubs your data from the web, battling brokers and those sneaky People Search Sites. It acts as an ongoing bodyguard protecting you from identity theft, spam calls, and outrageous insurance hikes. Don’t let data brokers and scammers mess with your legacy. 

Get Incogni and take back control. Pirate Wires readers get 55% off with code WIRES.

SUPPORTED BY

from sept. 2023, jordan castro explores the question: is our species in danger of facing a historical fertility crisis, or are western men just insecure about their masculinity?

on the pod this week, the pirate wires crew discusses the allure of ai girlfriends and whether or not t makes you gay

©2024 Pirate Wires Corp. 215 NW 24th St. Ste. 800 Miami, FL 33127

Unsubscribe or Manage email Preferences 

Advertise with Pirate Wires

X

YouTube

Insta